When I am weak, vulnerable or scared. When something is bothering me and turning me anxious. When I am worried or sad.
Yes, in those times I do yearn for someone to hold me, support me, guide me, and lift me and throw me up in the air and tell me out loud and clear that damn it, they freaking love me!
That they believe me. That they know whatever it is I am dealing with, I am not alone. That they are in this with me. That we are in this together.
A hug when I am sad is just a part of what I seek. Though often even that turns out to be too scarce a commodity in today’s times to ask someone for.
So, now when I feel forlorn, hapless and sad and have no one to receive that much endeared hug from, I look for that someone in my pillow.
It doesn’t always work. But at times, it just does. I hug my pillow tight, turn on the air conditioner, get under my sheet still hugging that pillow, and go to sleep.
At least I try to sleep. Even if I can’t sleep, I just stay like that crunched up until the AC cools up the room and I eventually go to sleep.
Even if that doesn’t work, I still keep my eyes closed while still hugging that pillow for several tens of minutes. I don’t do that all the time.
But when things get too much out of control, and viscerally I feel debilitated and incapacitated to deal with it, and when there is no one I believe can help me get through it, when there is actually no one to support me, I do end up doing that.
And at times, it does help. Bliss!