I had broken up with her on December 5th, 2015. It had been really tough over the last few months of our togetherness. We had both inflicted too much of pain and chaos in each other’s lives. Our relationship would mostly be about both of us blaming and grousing how the deeds of other one had pilfered our respective peace and joy.

She would blame me for everything wrong that was ruining our blossoming love. I would riposte with rage, anger and end up physically bruising myself. This way, the two people who had come together with the sole intent to shower joys in each other’s lives had ended up lost and vexed with each other.

We both somewhere knew that we had been wrong with the way we had rushed into professing our feelings for each other. Somewhere we both knew that we should have spent more time together and known each other better before getting into the relationship. And, we had both realized that this was no more a bond of love.

But, the thing was, she would never have taken the big step and have ended the things for we could both move on out of this towards happiness. So, I knew if I had to win peace for both of us, it was I who had to initiate with the parting of ways. Even if that would make me the bad person, I just had to end it.

And, so I did just that on the cold evening of December 5th. It was not so that I could hop on to some other girl, and fall in love again. It was only because we both seriously needed some peace of mind, and it could not be achieved with us being together. She too understood my stance, and we parted ways on mutually warm terms. But, I didn’t realize then that there had been one grave mistake on my part.

While breaking up, during the closure, I had spoken the following words to her, “I don’t think I would ever fall for anyone again.” It came out of the visceral part of me which had been through too much lately and had lost its sense and belief in love. At least for then. I didn’t know that this would eventually turn into one of my biggest mistakes ever.

After all, love just happens, out of serendipity. There are no means to predict when, where and with whom I would fall for if it were too happen again. And, in my case, it happened in just about two months post that appalling breakup. I had developed feelings of compassion and love for a dear friend who had been helping me fill up the void which had been left open after the breakup.

And, about three months from the day of my breakup, I had confessed my feelings to this girl, and we had decided to hold hands for the journey that awaited us. I thought my ex would understand that I didn’t owe myself or my feelings to just her for eternity after we broke up. I thought she would understand that we had moved on.

I thought she would be happy for I had found someone else who was making me happy. But, the problem was- I was living in a delusion all the time. Me falling in love again within just three months of moving on had become her biggest nightmare. After all, I had told her, “I don’t think I would ever fall for anyone again.” Didn’t I?

She was no doubt enraged. She probably felt dejected. I am certain she must have perceived every one of my actions as ones of perfidy and cheating. And, how did all of that come to me? Well, for the first time in my life a girl had gotten the balls and conviction to brand me “characterless” on my face.

I was the guy who she had admired and loved for eleven months. And, she had fallen for me out of the reverence I hold for the opposite gender. And, that same girl had called me a characterless bastard! She had branded me a guy who knew no love, but only lust. That was brutal and scathing for me. Never before had anyone used such words to adjectivize me.

And, I don’t know what those words may mean to the reader. But, for me, that has since been my greatest horror I have lived through. I had seldom cried the way I cried over the next few days, for I felt I had lost all my hard earned integrity to dust. I would question my character and my soul. I would ask myself if deep under I really was the pathetic person she thought I was.

That one remark from my ex had made me feel so low, that even as of this writing I have no exact words to express my then state of mind. Albeit, with the great support of my newly found love, I was able to get back to my joyous life in a matter of days. But, it took me almost over a year and a half to actually get over the compunction.

It was only a few days ago when I finally mustered the courage and wisdom to bury the matter. It was because while reading a book quite recently, I came across a quote which completely broke down the charged episode into a simple case where no one was at fault. The quote went as:

“Only those who are already hurt end up hurting others.”

A profound epiphany struck my mind immediately. It didn’t matter anymore what she had said. She said it because she was hurt. She wasn’t really at fault here. It was her painful emotions that made her say those things. And, with that realization selling in my heart and head, I was finally able to conquer over the pain which had been inflicted over me a year and a half ago. I finally felt liberated from a curse!

And, thus I reiterate, it was my greatest folly ever to have uttered those words. I spoke them out of a freshly broken relationship. It was an inadvertent flow of words. I didn’t realize then that those words were going to bring into my life the kind of horrors and afflictions which they eventually did. And, I finally learned a very important lesson:

“Your words often hold much more value than they seem to. And thus, those must be used cautiously.”

Many of us may have heard that. It may seem true to many. But, not as many people realize the essence of it. And, I am grateful that I finally did. I was lucky to have found a good lesson to take away from this episode of life. And, I hope the reader too may have found something valuable to take away from this writation. Best wishes. Bliss!

Love,

Shilanjan

 

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