I would wake up. Widen my pupils and rub my eyes. And, then I would stay there on the bed staring at the fan on the ceiling, with no idea about what should I do next. I would stay there lying on the bed for an hour, before finally deciding to get up. I would sit first and stay in that position for a few minutes. And, then I would stand up and again fall back into my bed.
Not because the bed was cozy and welcoming, or because I was lazy and wanted to sleep another hour. But because, I still could not figure out what to do with my life. My mind had been deluged by the thought that I was not good enough at any trade and whatever I would get myself into would lead to failure, misery and despair.
I was well aware lying there in the bed that I had a class to attend in fifteen minutes from then. But, I would rather just lie there choosing to stay in my dimly lit room under a sheet. Because going out, facing those happy and smiling faces and conquering greater heights every day seemed to be too overwhelming a task for someone like me.
Even the encouragement from my mother or dear friends would make me vex up. I would often retaliate to their motivation with angst- “You don’t understand me or my life, so don’t try to teach me how to live it right.” I have said those words to many people who I otherwise love a lot. And, I regret having ever uttered those words. It’s like I didn’t have any control over what my tongue was upto.
The depression was not just breaking me from within and deluging my thoughts. It was also vitiating my relationships with people I adored. It was also turning me into a petulant and intransigent person who believed that he was the root cause of all the bad things in the life of his dear ones. The poisonous phenomenon was extrapolating it’s vicious effects on every facet of my life.
But, I never took notice. Things were changing so slow that I never realized what was happening. The mess was turning untenable and was making me a really tough person to deal with. It was making me a bellicose person who would take umbrage at whatever the other person would say, leading to superfluous fights and arguments with an incessant yearning to prove- “I am right and no one else is!”
The sad part about that is- “I never realized that I had been trying to prove to the universe that it was wrong without knowing what was right.” And, that is the problem with depression. It clouds your thoughts, limits and deplores your individual traits and ultimately exacerbates every aspect of your life. And, it does it all so slowly that you never realize until it has all turned into a big shit imbroglio.
Depression is no hoax or drama. It is a reality which has become more visible with growing scientific advancements, the proliferation of education and of course the rising population and tensed workaholic lifestyles. Many of us have lived through that horror, and many more continue to do so. And, sadly many have also left this world succumbing to its great dark visceral burdens.
Ergo, It doesn’t matter if society believes it’s a real phenomenon or not. The society has been utterly wrong about very many of their notions and beliefs in the past which they continued to believe in for several centuries. And, let’s not forget that depression is also something clinically and scientifically proven today. It’s a bitter reality which the society of today doesn’t really know how to cope with.
Only a handful of us do, and we need more and more people to understand how to support and deal with a person coping with depression. And, with the internet just a tap away, learning about this issue has never been easier. So, Google it or Bing it. Use any search engine or source you feel comfortable with. But, learn about it. It’s important. Bliss!