There is a lot that I have to say to you. You were right there. Right around me somewhere all the time. But, I never laid my eyes on you even once, unless I needed something. I don’t even remember when the last time I professed my love to you. You were never the person who was very overt in expressing your love for me in words. But, you loved me the most in the world.
Alas, I had grown so prosaic to your silence, that I simply stopped taking note of your presence and importance in my life. I was a fool who had begun to take his own father for granted. You would toil hard, day after another to meet my growing education needs, and recreational demands and nurture me well.
Yet, I would never thank you even once for the way you had been sacrificing your own desires and needs to fulfill mine with a smile on your face. But, you never complained about the love and acknowledgement you well-deserved but never got from me.
You never showed that you were disgruntled for I was shattering the dreams you had envisaged for me one after another. You never even slapped once after the second grade, despite me deserving one several times for the grave follies I had committed.
Yes, we had numerous fights and arguments but again it was always you who said sorry at the end, not me. I wonder what ego I held against you which turned me so oblivious and blinded to the greatness that you were. I wish I had lived those days differently and had given you a different life as a father. But, I failed you, and now I can’t change that.
My dear father, you were always right, benevolent and altruist to the heart. But, your prodigy was too big a fool to never acknowledge any of that. I was so intransigent that nothing would make sense to me but my ego and my stance. Blinded by my arrogance and ignorance, I had wet your eyes with tears triggered by emotional affliction, time and again.
Every time you would be worried about my future, I would haphazardly conjecture that you didn’t trust my capabilities. I acted dumb. I won’t even acknowledge that you were the greatest well-wisher I had and would only want the good for me. Ergo, I acted dumber.
But, I wish that had been it. But, I had to be the dumbest son ever. So, not only did I disagree with you on those plethora of instances, but I also disrespected you on most of those times. And, only the son in me knows how much I lament today for having given you so much of pain. I wish I could somehow resuscitate you back from the dead and just thank you once. I wish.
You deserved love and care. Or at least, you deserved the right to be heard by your son. For all, you had gone through to bring me up with best of education, food, toys and atmosphere and so much more, I owed you all the reverence, attention and love you would have wanted. But, I gave you neither. Naught.
There were days when we were financially crunched. During those times, you slept and bathed on dirty railway platforms so that you could save money for my school fees. You gave up one and on several occasions more than one meals to make sure that you could suffice my growing needs. And, despite all of those things the ways in which I paid you back was utter shame on my part.
I am sorry for not being the ideal son you deserved papa. But, that was me before 23rd June 2014. The day when Maa’s and my life changed. The day when you left for your heavenly abode and bereaved us both of our protector, guardian, love and guide. Hitherto that day, I had been oblivious to everything that you had been sacrificing in your life for me. But, since that day the dynamics have altered.
As soon as Maa and I were bereaved of your greatness, we were exposed to life’s scathing and harsh facets that until then you had been protecting us from. People who in your presence called themselves family, suddenly turned into foes hungry for money. I then realized the kind of people you had been keeping at bay from Maa and me.
With your sudden absence from our lives, the utopia you and Maa had created for our family was gravely endangered and I was largely incompetent to help Maa hold it all together. But, I am grateful that you had already braced up and trained Maa so well that she only needed a little help from her feeble son.
Journey without you has been tough Papa. Today, I witness every day an evolving and progressive lady in Maa compared to the woman she was prior to your departure. As you must have observed from the heavens above, she has evolved herself into a warrior. With your grace and blessings, she battles every day the challenges life, society and family throw at her braving a smile on her glistening face.
And, she wins all those battles only because she fights with you in her heart and soul. I wish you had been with us here to witness this new valiant side of Maa. You would have proudly hugged her for the masterful woman she has transformed into. But, I guess it’s too late to ask for that.
However, that was about Maa. Lately, I too have been on a pursuit to better myself as a son. You have no idea how much it bites me, every time I look at your photos, that I could not be the great son you always deserved so much. The compunction of never rewarding you a single cherished moment to die a proud father pinches my heart every day.
And, I don’t want any more of that guilt and misery in my life by giving Maa a similar fate if she leaves this world before me. And, that is the motivation which I am striving to channel into myself. I am trying to correct my flaws. One of the things you probably would have observed from above is that I gave up lying to Maa about anything and everything.
The results of that step have been phenomenal, bolstering the trust she rests in me. I am trying to correct and better myself on many other such grounds presently. I hope I succeed in giving Maa the great son that you could not witness in your lifetime. I hope when her calling comes, she leaves this world with plenty of reasons to be proud of this son she created with you.
And, for me to achieve that goal, Papa I seek your blessings. This father’s day, empower me, bless me and guide me to give Maa every piece of joy that I could not give you. That would be my greatest redemption.