She still walks past me every single day at college. However, I don’t feel a bit for her anymore. She broke apart into smithereens, the corner I had savoured for her in my heart. I called her my little sister, devoted my time, energy and most importantly, feelings and love into our bond.
I did it for she was from a different part of India, and could not assimilate to the new culture. She was scared and felt alone amidst the deluge of a thumping crowd in a college brimming with North Indians everywhere while she was from down South hailing from a very different lifestyle.
After a series of conversations, she had grown comfortable with me. And, it was then that she told me that she wanted to go back to her native state and continue education in whatever vernacular college would take her in. I could not have let her make that folly as her future depended on it. And, that is when it all began.
I invested the best of me to ensure that she doesn’t give up a great college for the culture and life she had lived until the advent of this new phase of her life, was just too different. I was successful in whatever role I played in convincing her to stay back for then. For that, she too venerated me with love, respect and reverence. She went as far as to call me similar to his own Bhaiya which was a great deal for me.
Every time she would be down or in trouble, she would call me, and I would immediately leave everything behind, and jump to salvage my dearest little sister out of the unrest she had been inundated by. And, she continued to shower immense respect and love upon me like my baby sister.
However, after a year and a half of the cherished bond, everything changed all of a sudden. She just stopped talking to me. No calls. No messages. Not a word. Just silence. I was never apprised of a reason for which the bond was broken.
I was never told of a reason for which my love and care had been humiliated by a person who once I proudly told- “The day when I’ll have a daughter, I would name her after you. Also, I would want her to be just like you.”
The attachment to her was more than just what it looked like on the outside. There had been times when I had cried for her. I had fought for her. I had gone as far as to ruin my relationships with a number of other people for she mattered more to me. And, ergo, her breaking the cherished bond built over a long time was a big blow for my soft heart to sustain that easily.
But, I am a man who lives and abides by certain tenets in life. To me, those tenets are supreme and nothing matters more than those. Not even my own life. And, one of those is to never ask for somebody’s love or a reason if they don’t have any love to give me. Therefore, I never groused or asked her for a reasoning. Neither do I ask for it today. Nor will I ever do that in times to come.
Also, I made it clear to myself that if a day ever comes when she comes back to me, I won’t be enraged or effusive. I’ll just tell her- You moved on much earlier, and ergo I had no option but to do the same. However, once I do move on in life, I don’t make U-turns in life unless I am the one at fault. So, best wishes for your life ahead. Keep smiling.
I then took some decisions for myself based on the experiences and lessons life had taught me with what had just happened-
I determined no one is to come close enough to me to leave me hurt again. At least for a long time to come. My life is a sanctum of peace and calm, and the onus is on me to ensure that equanimity prevails always. And, before I allow someone to get that close again, I need to learn how to deal with the possibility that some day they may end up obliterating the peace I enamour.
And, by giving any person the permission to get really close to my sanctum, I am only going to let myself and my peace be vulnerable to an undesired change. And, I am not doing that until I get better at discerning who is really worth that closeness.
I also learned, not to trust people on the face value. I had heard that maxim innumerable times before. But, like most other humans, I too have the propensity to learn things the hard way. But, I also have the propensity to learn from the tough course and avoid making those mistakes more than once.
Ergo, I decided unless I know a person well enough, I won’t trust them or rely on them. Sort of big words to come out of a 22-year-old I guess. But, life does not ask one’s age before throwing in the big blows. So, I guess there is nothing wrong about big words from a young mouth.
And, the most important thing I learned was, no one else is worth my love and dedication more than I do. So, I began to choose myself above everyone else. If someone wants me to do something for them, I would decide to help them or not by a single judgment call- Do I really want to do this, or can I make a better use of my time which would make me happy?
I would dedicate myself and my resources to them only if the answer to the above question goes something like, “Yes that is exactly the thing I wish to do at the moment.” Else, I do the other thing that would add value and joy to my living. The answer has to be a definitive “Yes”, or it’s a “No.” In a nutshell- I learned to be a naysayer.
And, just in case the reader is tinkering if that is something similar to being self-obsessed, selfish or narcissistic- The answer to that is no. Being a naysayer is all about making yourself your priority. It’s about choosing yourself and loving yourself more than anyone else.
And, going by my experience of past several months living by those decisions, I can say that I am much happier with way more bliss and peace to cherish in my life. And, those are all the lessons I learned from a dear one closing their doors on me without any notice or reason.
And, now that I think about it, I am grateful for her shutting the doors to her life on my face as it taught me so much about life. The experience she bestowed upon me has only made me more resilient and bolstered my love for self.
Yes, it wasn’t easy to deal with the affliction in the beginning as she had left behind a big void in me. But, ultimately I learned to fill that void with self-love and grit. And, for that, I am truly grateful.
And, this brings me to the point to underscore which I wrote the 900 words above this paragraph-
In life, a presumably bad thing can actually turn out to be a blissful blessing in disguise. So, every time bad things happen in life, just remember that there is a pretty good chance it happened for a good reason.
I know that may seem to remind you of the clichéd maxim- “Everything happens for a good reason.” Well, to that I can just say one thing. Believe it or not, that is the silver lining.
I had heard that maxim innumerable times but I never heeded much importance or belief into it. But, ultimately I realized the axiomatic sacrosanct truth when life came roaring at me.
But, you don’t have to learn that the hard way. You don’t have to be as stupid as me.