Every morning post waking up, I keep lying on my bed for several minutes. I lie there idle and unmoving from the exterior demeanor. While on the inside, it’s a conundrum that’s shaking a lot of things up. My mind is giving me a hundred reasons to not get out of the warm and cozy bed. All this happens while I struggle to win over my mind and make my point, “I am the boss out here! No matter how many reasons you throw at me to not stand up right now, I am going to do it because that’s the right thing to do.”

A similar thing happens in the night as well. I aspire to go to sleep by 12 or 12:30 every night. I really do aspire for that. However, when the clock ticks midnight, my mind jumps in with the pop-up- “Just one more episode and then I’ll sleep.” And, that’s when I have to fight it out to decide if I am going to sleep or am I going to succumb to the might of my mind which wants me to stay awake till late. Such and various other instances arise in my life on a daily fashion. In fact, these happen to most of us, I have no qualms over that at all. And, that is why I wish to underscore a very small but imperative point.

“No matter how many excuses might pop out of that powerful head you carry on your shoulders, it should ultimately be your own rationale that should take decisions for you.”

If the mind wants you to do something positive, your rationale will always back it up. But, if your mind is only throwing excuses at you then your rationale is never going to buttress any of those excuses. But, the final call lies in our hands to decide if we wish to go and award the winning trophy to the mind or the rational judge in us! It’s sad that most of us end up succumbing to the mind and let it mow down the rational judge into smithereens.

And, each time we let the mind win over the rationale, we only bolster our mind’s control over us. As a result, the mind keeps getting powerful with each passing day and moment while the rationale keeps getting buried deep under the weight of all the wrong and gratuitous decisions we take on the command of your mind. And, that’s the root cause of several big and heavyweight issues gulping down the world and its citizenry like- Procrastination, anger, ego, intransigence and so on and on and on.

Say you have got something important to do. Your mind is going to tell you that you can do that even better after having some rest and recreation. That’s procrastination. I have lost to this evil endless number of times. Why? For every time there would be something that needed me to take urgent action, I would end up moving that task to a later time slot.

And, then when that time slot would arrive, my mind would make me push it over again for it wanted me to watch another episode of Seinfeld. And, this would go on until finally I would just forget about the job and end up not doing it. I can’t even describe how I have lost on various big opportunities in life. I have welcomed a lot of misery into my life, and most of it happened because I let my mind take the command of me.

Say someone speaks ill of you to others. Your mind will tell you to take umbrage and prove that the other person is spreading canards about you. Your mind will tell you to take a stand and fight off that other insignificant puny person. That’s anger. Every time I have lost my temper, it has always been me on the cliff pushing myself into the abyss.

I never gained a dime of peace but only created rivalries, bad memories and fuelled the superfluous gossip mongers by bowing down to anger as a solution proffered by my mind. And, did any of that ever stopped the counterpart to stop from speaking ill of me? Never. Rather, now the other person’s mind would have a hundred new reasons to impugn my actions. So, basically, I always ended botching myself up. My mind duped me again.

I can go on this way sharing my infamous experiences germane to expressions of ego, physical brawls, self-hate, use of profanity and numerous others. And, every time I did that because my mind pushed me into doing that and I never resisted enough. Each time my rationale opposed but I never backed it up enough. Resultantly, my mind’s evil side would each time sever my rationale and exacerbate it. The day after another my rationale kept vitiating and hitting a new nadir. Misery in my life kept augmenting and happiness kept evading. I had it all, but I let it all away. I was foolish and dumb.

I wished things could have ended up right there. I used to pray the degradation of self would just stopped then and there. I was desperate for good things to happen as I had had enough I thought. But, that wasn’t supposed to be. My mind had its roots so deeply entrenched into my head that my rationale no more had any decision making authority at all. And, it was because of this rusting of my invaluable resources that I ended up becoming the worst version myself.

Let me give you a brief glimpse into that messed up version of me. I was vulnerable. I would always feel that the world was conspiring against me. I thought that my parents don’t understand me enough. I could not fathom what was driving my friends away from me. I would castigate myself for my inability to fulfil other’s expectations. I would brood over what wrong did I do to have got such a grotesque life. And, all of this was followed by visceral disgruntlement.

I realized all of this the hard way. I lost a lot of valuable resources, assets and also the most important person in my life, my beloved father, before I acknowledged any of this. I paid a hefty price to take cognizance of this ugly parasite that was sapping me of the greatness and true potential I was destined to achieve. And, that’s the reason why I am writing this post at the moment. Not everyone ends up in as bad a state as I did. But, a lot of people do. If the reader is one of those, then he or she would know that by now. And, the only purpose of this post is the following-

I needed to know some things. I needed someone who would teach me these things that were never taught in schools or college. But, I never found any such person well in time. And, I don’t want others to have to live through a similar compunction in their lives. I don’t want anyone else to suffer through the rough and scathing facets of life that I was exposed to. And, that’s what made me highlight the imperativeness of the subject in one’s life.

Now, moving towards the closing note, I wish to share how I am on a rehab mode now. I have been on this course of convalescence for quite a long time now. It’s been almost a year. It was back then in the month of March and the date was 3rd that I took one decision. It was the biggest decision I had ever taken in my life.

It was to disobey my mind in certain small things that it would want me to do. I would take month long challenges to do 300 pushups a day. I knew that I could not even go past the 100 pushups per day mark. I knew that my body is going to ache like hell. I knew that….. And, I also knew that these were all the litany excuses that my mind was throwing at me. So, I went on and did it anyways. Result? I was stronger than ever before and my confidence in self was brimming. I even performed 450 pushups a few days of that course!

I also went on for no cold drink for a month challenge. I achieved my target. I extended that to two months. Then six. And, finally, now I am due to complete the No Cold Drink for a year challenge in June this year. I also went off Facebook, Whatsapp and Instagram for over two months to increase my resistance against the will of my head.

I had to make myself stronger and more resilient. So, I chose to say no to my biggest addiction- The Social Media. And, this way I had undertaken a number of challenges to make sure that I can weaken up my mind and strengthen up my confidence and bolster my conscience. And, with each passing challenge like these and several others, my mind’s entrenched roots began to soften their control and exacerbate. I was motivated, brimming and thus I kept pushing myself farther than my extant limits. The aim was to challenge the mind at every instance and do things that it would never want me to do otherwise.

And, day by day I kept increasing the difficulty levels of challenges to move out of the comfort zone that my mind would always want me to stay into. And, this practice proved wonders for me. My life had never been better. I may still be pathetic and miserable to several people I know. But, to me, the perception is no more the same. I am happier, elated and more vivacious than ever. I am a totally different person and I know it. And, it’s only my perception of me that matters to me now.

I am much lesser of a procrastinator and have been successful in taming my rage over this course. Again, others may not see that happening, but I have seen the change and that’s what is making me type out these words out here. I spend a lot more time doing things that matter to me. I smile a lot more. I talk a lot lesser. I listen much more. I quarrel way lesser. And, I write, more than ever. All good things have happened in this short span.

My life has witnessed a sea change. I am no more falling into that murky abyss that my mind had pushed me into. Rather, I am hinging onto the wall of the cliff and am climbing back up. I am rising back day by day. I am discovering a new heydey for me. I am evolving. And, all this is happening why? Because one day I finally made a point to my mind-

“I have had enough! No more. This is when things begin to change. From now on I will make the commands. From now on I am the boss out here and that’s how things are going to work out in this arena of my life. That’s the tenet which is going to be the centrepiece of my life from this pristine moment.”

That’s how I made it happen. I still have to go a long way. Way longer than I can even foresee. And, no one can help me do it but me. But, I now know that I can do it. I have been witness to my tenacity to make things fall in place no matter what.

There were times when I needed support but didn’t have any. And, that taught me how to support oneself against toughest times when no one is there for you. And, it is that lesson of life which is going to carry me forward towards realizing that big dream of building myself bit by bit into the best version of self that ever existed on this planet. And, if a person as pathetic and left-off as me can do it, then anyone can. All they need to do is-

“Just take a few small steps towards purging off that evil dark side of the mind which brings in all the bad and black into one’s life.”

Regards,

Shilanjan

2 thoughts on “My fight against the greatest villain: My Mind

  1. Well Jayant
    This was fantastic.You displayed what things you have DONE which highlighted your strengths.Ofcourse mind is mysterious but we can make it do whatever we want.
    I would like to add to the last thought,”On a tight rope,we all walk alone”.

    Liked by 1 person

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