I wanted friends. And, attention and love. I wanted people to surround me, listen to what I had to say, and then appreciate me and clap for me. I thought I can get all of that by doing the same for them. So, I tried to please others. I tried to help others when they would ask me. I would do everything to make them happy and make them feel important. Result? They exploited my propensity to be helpful.
I wanted my parents to be happy and proud of me. I wished to hear them say, “We could not have had a better son.” I wanted them to acknowledge that. But, my ego was too tough, and my ill habits were deeply entrenched into my soul. So, I was not able to be that ideal son they deserved. So, I began lying to them and created a false facade of mine which would make them happy or content for the moment.
Result? Every now and then one or the other one of my lies kept unearthing and the entire facade kept obliterating day by day. Soon, the destruction had reached such peak that my bond with my parents began to turn into a convoluted imbroglio. Emotions of disbelief kept growing strong and the precious trust and sanctity of our bond kept rusting.
I wanted my friends to stay happy around me. I wished for all of their needs to be fulfilled and all their problems to be gone. So, I began to myself get into their lives, trying to solve their troubles for them. All I wanted was for them to be happy and trouble free. Again, they took my involvement to be an intrusion into their lives. Result? They abandoned me.
Here is what I realized after ruminating over those and several other incidents- Why I could never get what I ever desired was because I always followed the wrong approach to realize them. The solutions to make all of those things a reality were hidden within me, and not on the sundry factors that resided out of me.
Hitherto then, I had been focusing on all the factors that were external. But, now I began to realize that it’s all about me and no one else. Once I focus on self, I will always come up with a solution to achieve all that I wanted. So, here is what change I brought into myself.
I got on a pursuit to reinvent myself into a better and utopian version of self. I identified the traits that I was good at, and I began to hone those skills. My writing, speaking and articulation skills bestowed upon me the power of traction that I had been yearning for long. This is what got me attention, listeners and readers that I yearned for, as mentioned in the first paragraph. I learned that whatever I ever desired was never about pleasing others. Rather, it was all about nurturing myself.
I stopped lying to my Maa thereafter one day. I knew that if there was a trait which my Maa would be proud of, I have to inculcate that one into my life. I strived to ensure that. The biggest bug I could identify was my propensity to lie and hide things from Maa, which would have disappointed her otherwise. So, I began to come up front with her, whenever I did anything against her will.
As a result, I never had to gestate and fester a hundred other lies to cover up for the first one anymore, until one day it would all burst off! As a result, my Maa began to trust me again and the relation, belief and love bloomed like never before among the mother-son duo. This one took time, but benefits that I reaped were absolutely worth it.
As I mentioned above that I wanted the people around me to be happy. I didn’t want then to face problems in their lives. I discovered that to help others I first needed to help myself. I needed to fix myself up and become a better self first. I had to ensure that I was happy. After all, how could I expect to buy happiness with the tainted currency of unhappiness?
So, I began to read and write. I took up exercising. I took challenges like no gossip for a month. I cut off myself from over 18 of the 30 people who I used to associate with on a daily basis. I went as far as to create a list and literally cut off names on it with a black pen! I had to make sure that I only let those things and people around me which augment any value or goodness to my life. Else, I had to extrude those bloody scavengers.
As a result of the above measures, I ended up happier, stronger, healthier and calmer. There were lesser people who would disappoint me. There were lesser people whose expectations I had to fulfil, and thus there would be lesser people who would be disappointed with me. This was turning out to be masterful!
I also began to save a huge chunk of free time which I began to devote to reading more and writing more. I was investing a lot of time into redeveloping myself bit by bit. I only had one target back then- To do enough good to have a satisfactory smile on my phiz at night when I go to sleep. I honed new skills. I became much more proactive and interesting as a personality than I ever was.
As a result of that pursuit of amendments in my lifestyle, I was much more blissful and lesser of a nuisance for the people around me now. I got busier focusing into my own life and reinvention process. Ergo, I meddled into other’s lives lesser and was no longer much of a troublemaker for them. They too became comparatively happier as an ancillary effect.
And, during this entire process which I subjected myself to, a lot of other good things happened in my life. My rage was greatly suppressed by calmness and silence. My ego smoked off and my confidence in my abilities to achieve anything strengthened. I became more resilient and tenacious. Most importantly, I was a new and stronger person altogether.
I still get angry. But, adjectives like petulance do not associate with me anymore. I still aim high and am too ambitious. But, I am no more egoistic or over confident about my capabilities. I still suffer from weakness at times when my Mess owner shows his true colours. Otherwise, I am stronger and healthier than ever- thanks to self for appending exercise to my daily rituals.
A huge lot of problems remain extant in me. They are sapping me of my true and destined potential. But, I know that soon they will all be a thing of the past. How can I say that so confidently?
Because I know how messed and botched up my life was. I never thought that things would ever be better in my life. I thought that I don’t deserve any goodness at all. But, now when I look back, I changed a lot of those impossible things into reality. And, that makes me believe in my capacity and ability to make anything possible.
I know that the reader may say- “that’s easy to type down a few words of wisdom.” Well, who said that it’s tough at all? But, it’s the sacrosanct truth and it works. It’s all about a mindset. And, once you gestate that mindset into yourself, everything seems achievable. After all, you don’t have to depend on others to make things a reality for you.
That was a brief and compact part of how I reinvented my life. And one thing that I am very sure about is that- “If I can do it, anyone can do it!”
I always chose others before me. I always cut on my needs to ensure that I could make others happy and satiated. But, that never happened! Their expectations never ended. Neither did mine. But, the day I tried to change my view of the world and choose myself above all, I observed-
“Life is not that tough after all!”
Regards and love,